Monday, November 17, 2014

Tiredness

 Y'all. (All three of you who read this little blog). I am falling apart. I wake up every morning with my jaw sore from grinding my teeth. I haven't slept through the night in three months. Caffeine=my means to survival right now. 

I can honestly say that the selfish mommy moments I remember when T.Mark was an infant--the "maybe I'll get to drink a cup of coffee today without simultaneously holding a tiny crying person", or "maybe I'll get to pee alone today" moments, are relatively nonexistent this time around. I have the perspective to know that in basically two seconds my tiny baby will be a big boy who knows all his colors and is wearing pull-ups. And then he'll be 16. And then he'll go to college. And then he will get married to some VERY lucky girl and will hopefully give me a million grandchildren. 

However. The tiredness is real, y'all.  And I feel so inadequate. Because my tiredness makes me think of others who must be more so than I. So I think--ok, I need to take a meal to that friend who is going through the tough time. Or--I need to take that sweet new baby a gift. Or--I need to load up my babies and go visit that elderly person. I am tired of being the person on the receiving end of the thoughtfulness and care, if that kind of crazy makes any sense to you. I want to be the person giving the care and being thoughtful. But most of the time right now, it doesn't happen. I do try to send encouraging texts each day to friends or family who may need them, but beyond that I basically collapse into bed each night triple exhausted and hoping against hope I will get a three hour stretch of sleep that night.

I feel like at this point I should put the disclaimer: #firstworldproblems. That's constantly the thought in my head when I consider that I have the health and the lives of my precious children and my family intact, that I have a home and a community and friends and a good job, not to mention a Savior who loves and forgives me my many inadequacies. 

But--whatever "hard" you are in can still seem pretty hard when you're in it, if that makes any sense.

Update to this post***I wrote the above last night as I was drifting off to sleep around 10:45 (probably not a good idea to blog then, but that is when my thoughts seem to run most freely and I have to put a pen to them then before they clam back up). And sweet Amos slept until 2:40! He had gone to sleep after a fussy evening at around 9:30...so that is FIVE hours! I couldn't believe it.  So I am thankful for that this morning. 

This post leads to another one that I will write soon about creating some margin in life. Writing it out helps me to work through it. I have begun to learn, finally, in the months since Amos was born, that if I am going to be effective in the various roles I have been given in my life, I've got to (at least in this season) give myself a little bit of space to breathe, and stop jam-packing every second with a bullheaded full speed ahead. I have never been very good at that. So I'm working on it. I'll let you know how it goes.




2 comments:

  1. I LOVED this. I could have written this post when my two were about the age of your two. And (I know you'll say I shouldn't) but I feel guilty saying that since I didn't have the "working mom" hat to add into the mix. Like you said, someone ALWAYS has it harder. But I have learned that one of the most beneficial things I can do is claim the hard and validate it in others' stories. And being bone tired and still trying to provide for basic needs (and be patient with!) little ones is HARD. It makes TOTAL sense to be tired of being the one who is on the receiving end. I remember feeling that way, too. But do remember you have so often been on the other side. You're the kind of person who babysits other people's kids on her vacation. Trust me that there will be a time when the boys actually play with (not just beside) each other and you'll sip your coffee and potty by yourself and, knowing you, launch right back into being on the giver. XOXO, friend!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you SD. Such a sweet encourager :)

    ReplyDelete